[Panting]
[Light-hearted instrumental music]
Rise and shine!
Honey, 6:45. Wow!
Oh, God. It makes me look fat, doesn't it?
No, it makes you look great.
Really? Thank you, honey.
RICHARD: Rise and shine. Rise and shine.
Brennan. Time to get up.
RICHARD: Look out! BRENNAN: What happened?
Sorry. Thought it was an earthquake.
First day of school, guy.
You know, I reviewed all my classes last night on-line.
I could do the entire seventh grade from my desk...
...without ever having to go to school.
-Wow. -So, can I?
-Sure. -Really?
When pigs fly!
[Groans]
-Morning, Daddy. -Morning, honey. Nervous?
Nope. One sandwich, lettuce and avocado, mustard only...
...sliced apple, three cookies, a Jell-O...
...string cheese, a spoon and a napkin.
-And a blue ice block. -What are you talking about?
-My lunch, Dad. -Lunch. Right.
RICHARD: Okay. Got it. SARA: Dad, relax.
Don't freak out on your first Mr. Mom day.
Lunches are easy.
I'll help you. You'll get the hang of it. Go on.
SARA: Go on. RICHARD: Okay.
[Light-hearted instrumental music]
[Whispering] Oh, no. Beethoven!
Oh, no.
Not again. Honey, don't use the--
[Beth screams]
BETH: Who took the toilet seat?
Beethoven!
Come on, kids. Let's go.
SARA: See you. Take care of Dad. BRENNAN: 'Bye, Beethoven.
BETH: Brennan, you want to start the car? BRENNAN: Yeah. Later, Dad.
SARA: 'Bye, Dad. RICHARD: 'Bye. Good luck.
Honey, you look great. They're gonna love you.
Honey, don't forget.
It's only till George comes back from Europe.
I know, but it just seems so unfair that he's staying with us...
...when there's so many skiers in the Alps he could be rescuing.
Okay, wish me luck.
Good luck, but you're not gonna need it.
[Beth gasps with horror]
You are sleeping outside from...
...now until eternity!
[Beethoven whimpers]
[Light-hearted orchestral music]
Splendid, splendid. But you missed a spot.
Sorry, Mr. Simmons.
SIMMONS: Yes, I should think so, too.
[Sighs]
Michelangelo.
Wakey, wakey.
It's breakfast time, my lad.
What have we got? Eggs and backey? Not quite.
Vegetarian breakfast, as usual.
There we are. Lovely.
All done?
[Simmons hums]
[Toilet flushes]
[Light-hearted orchestral music]
-Morning, Dad. -Morning, honey.
[Beeping]
-Push "enter." -"Enter"?
[Beeping]
Thanks, honey.
REG: It's a new portable modem. Neat, huh?
MADISON: Yeah, Dad. REG: All right. I'm hot.
I am very excited. I'm gonna tell the design guys about this!
Dad, wait!
Dad! Dad, wait!
Dad!
Dad! Wait.
Your socks don't match.
Well, when you own the company, nobody mentions it.
But, Dad!
You said you'd push me on my roller blades today. Remember?
No. I said tomorrow.
Yeah, but you said that yesterday.
Good morning, sir. Microsedge stock is up three and one-eighth.
All right. That's good. That's good.
Simmons, you hold down the fort while I'm off making more millions.
As usual, sir.
Oh, no! Mr. Sedgwick!
[Screaming]
[Oriental-style instrumental music]
[Grunts]
I'm ready.
[Snorts]
Morning, Michelangelo.
-Morning, Miss Sedgwick. -Morning, Simmons.
[Soft orchestral music]
Hey, good boy. Here you go.
-I know you like it. -Oh, no, please! Miss Madison...
...no meat products. You'll give him gas.
And that would be most unpleasant.
Don't tempt Michelangelo, Madison.
You know what his psychic nutritionist said about bacon.
-One piece. She'll never know. -She knows already.
I love breakfast! I'll tell you, Simmons.
Buying Sedgefood.com was the best thing Reg ever did.
Oh, yes, madam. Convenience above all.
Mom, aren't you gonna have some real breakfast?
I can't. I got a nude sit-in against fur at 10:00.
Any extra weight is gonna be pretty obvious in my birthday suit.
Simmons, call my attorney.
Have one of his people, a woman, bail me out around 11:00.
Yes, ma'am.
-Mom, can I start riding lessons today? -Madison.
I don't know. I have issues with the whole humans-on-horses situation.
Then, may I have a friend over after school?
Not "May I? Can I?" You empower yourself, Maddy.
You don't need anyone's permission.
-Well, then, can I? -No...
...because your trainer is coming when your reflexologist leaves.
And when he's done, you've got an aromatherapy session.
We'll talk later. How do I look? It doesn't matter.
It's all for the cause. 'Bye! 'Bye!
Wanna pull me on my roller blades, Michelangelo?
SIMMONS: No, please. Madison.
Not while Michelangelo is meditating.
RICHARD: This doesn't belong in a greeting card.
It belongs in a museum.
"Roses are red, violets are blue
"I'm sad and lonely because of you"
All right, it's lame. I don't write this stuff.
But the illustration's good.
[Questioning growl]
That's why they pay me the low-to-medium-size bucks.
[Bell dings]
This is the first in a whole new line.
If they like this one, I get 'em all.
Stay!
Do not touch anything.
Do not breathe on anything.
[Whining]
Come to Papa.
[Cat squeals]
No!
[Screaming]
[Cat squeals]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Richard screams]
This is a big opportunity for me...
...and now the painting's a total loss.
After Brennan spent so many hours posing for it.
Dad, he didn't mean to--
Sara, your father has the floor.
-Richard, go ahead. -My deadline was already tight, but now--
[Bell dings]
Time's up, Dad.
The pot roast would have been excellent.
BETH: The mac and cheese was tasty. BRENNAN: Yeah.
Really!
Do you think you can fix the painting?
In time, which I don't have.
Plus, it sort of hurts to hold a paintbrush.
Well, that brings us to new business.
I had a few extra minutes at work today, and...
...I decided to run some numbers.
As you can see...
..."B.B." means "Before Beethoven."
"A.B." means "After Beethoven."
Now, I really think the chart speaks for itself.
This dog is really costing us...
...and I didn't even figure in the latest fiasco.
-Point of clarification? -Yes.
-What's a fiasco? -It's a disaster, a farce, a breakdown.
[Solemn instrumental music]
Oh, honey.
I know you've gotten attached to Beethoven. I mean, we all have.
But I just don't think there's enough room in this household...
...for a dog like Beethoven.
[Whines]
BETH: In fact, I don't think there's a household...
...with room enough in the entire universe for a dog like Beethoven.
Sorry, Mom. Time's up.
I guess that concludes the family meeting!
I love these intimate family gatherings.
SARA: What do you think Mom meant by the house not being big enough?
BRENNAN: Well, I think it means she's thinking about getting rid of Beethoven.
Come on. Get over it. I mean, he's not even our real dog anyway.
I know. You don't have to remind me.
Maybe now's a good time to hit 'em up for a new pet.
Something a little smaller, like a cow?
[Phoebe barks loudly]
BRENNAN: Phoebe's out.
SARA: I wish we brought Beethoven. BRENNAN: Oh, no, the gate.
BRENNAN: Beethoven! SARA: Beethoven, help!
Brennan! What do we do?
Look.
SARA: Yes! BRENNAN: Come on, Sara. Let's go.
SARA: Thanks, Beethoven. Come on, boy.
We can't let him go. We need a plan.
BRENNAN: Okay, okay. Give me a couple of days, and I'll think of something.
That's okay. I was finished.
Guess what, Sara. I'm about to put the cookies in the oven.
They're gonna be warm and chewy, and you can't have any!
Sorry, Dad. Current events.
RICHARD: Oh, no!
Who let the dog in?
You're not helping your case here, pal.
Oatmeal-drool cookies.
SARA: So, did you think of a plan?
It's only been three days. Give me a break.
Besides, I'm really behind on my math homework.
I knew you wouldn't have a plan.
So, here, I do have a plan.
Look at this!
Hi, honey.
[Burping sounds]
Don't you dare!
[Beth screams]
BETH: Beethoven! BRENNAN: Oh, no!
Beethoven barfed all over me!
How gross is that?
Okay, my math homework, one semester.
A whole semester? Forget it, then.
Fine. See you, Beethoven.
Fine! One semester.
Jerk.
Oh, great.
That's fabulous. All right.
I'll let you know. Okay.
-They gonna take him? -Well, if we want to.
They're really gonna miss him.
He was never gonna be able to stay with us forever.
-Sooner or later, they'll have to miss him. -I guess.
Oh, Richard.
They're a really nice family. They live on a huge farm.
I mean, Beethoven will have chickens to chase...
...barns to burn and cows to stampede.
He'll be in heaven.
You're right, as usual.
So, that settles it.
You tell the kids we're getting rid of Beethoven.
Thanks, honey. Gotta work.
Speaking of chickens....
[Doorbell rings]
Get rid of him!
-Hello, Bill. -Beth!
Good to see you.
So, I suppose you're looking for Richard.
Well, I think I might be able to find him...
...for you around here somewhere.
So, I'll do that.
Why don't you sit down?
Richard! Bill's here!
Richard? Richard!
RICHARD: [Whispering] Over here.
BETH: What are you doing?
He's here for the painting, the one Beethoven ruined.
BETH: So?
-I haven't fixed it yet. -What?
Why? Richard!
Because I thought he was coming next week.
Who's this?
"I don't need to write things down in a notebook...
"...because I have a photographic memory."
You were right. I was wrong.
Can we discuss this later, please? Honey, go stall him.
-This is not my responsibility. -What?
You said, "I want to go back to work, spread my wings, challenge myself."
Did I say no? No, I said, "Okay, honey.
"I'll stay home, convert the garage into a studio, be a freelancer.
"I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll handle the kids."
And all I ask in return...
...is if I'm ever late for a deadline, and the client shows up unexpectedly...
...that you stall him while I try to figure out what to do.
Remember?
I remember the first part. I don't remember the stall-your-boss part.
Okay, fine. I'll beg.
Is that what you want me to do? I'll beg.
-Richard, please. -Please!
You stunning, sexy, gorgeous, perfect woman!
Stall him for me!
Please.
Bill, do you want some coffee?
BILL: Yeah, cream and sugar. Thanks! BETH: What are you gonna do?
I don't know. Stall him.
MRS. RUTLEDGE: Melinda. Your dog's gonna do fine.
MELINDA: Thanks. Come on, boy.
Why me?
Come on, girl.
[Light-hearted instrumental music]
[Sara straining and panting]
BRENNAN: Beethoven! Hold on to him, Sara.
Hi!
What's his name?
-Beethoven. -Stay, stay!
BRENNAN: Down. MRS. RUTLEDGE: Good dog.
MRS. RUTLEDGE: Sit, sit, sit. Good dog. SARA: Beethoven!
We have our work cut out for us, don't we?
-Do you think you could teach him to obey? -Me?
Oh, no, my dear. That's my husband's department.
Sgt. Rutledge.
He's a genius with dogs.
He was with the canine corps for years.
Why, during the war, he was--
That'll do, Mrs. Rutledge.
Dear, this is Beethoven.
Children would like you to teach him to obey.
It will be a pleasure.
More coffee, Bill?
No, thanks.
I was so sorry to hear about you and Susan.
We had our problems.
[Clock chimes]
When's the big day for you and Sharon?
Next month. Small ceremony.
I guess you'll be hiring a new secretary, then.
You know, this is ridiculous.
I've got a meeting with the art director at 1:00.
And I need to have that painting.
Is Richard out there?
Richard? Richard. Buddy?
Bill, wait!
What in the hell is that?
Well, Bill, I was thinking.
All our cards are for people, right?
From people and to people.
Well, they're the ones who buy them.
But what about the people who...
...don't have anyone to send a card to?
I'm listening.
You're missing a whole segment of the public.
People who don't have anyone to send a card to...
...and people who don't have anyone to get a card from.
Right!
So, Richard was thinking....
I was thinking...
...those people don't have people.
But they do have animals.
Pets!
This is the first in a line of cards...
...that people can send themselves...
...from their pets!
"Dear master:
"I painted you a birthday card
"And it's a real dead ringer
"But it's awful hard to paint 'Cause I don't have thumbs or fingers"
Okay, I love it!
He loves it!
-He loves it! -He loves it?
Welcome to the Good Boy Dog Obedience School...
...where there is no such thing, no, as a bad dog.
Only stubborn ones.
When you and your precious pooches leave this class...
...you will leave side by side.
You, the master, your dog, your faithful servant...
...without leashes.
I expect every dog to pay attention.
Are you a hard case, boy?
Is he a hard case?
I don't know.
I've been training the canine species for 27 years, son.
I think I know an attitude problem when I see one.
This is how we handle the hard case, people. Pay attention.
Or, you know, you can have cards pets could send to each other.
You know, like a dog could send a cat a get well soon card.
Or love letters for rabbits.
Happy Groundhog Day cards, Bill.
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.
Okay, that's brilliant. We need to have our lawyers talk on Monday.
We got a percentage deal to work out.
Ciao, baby!
-Ciao. -Ciao.
Yes!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
-Say my name, say my name! -Richard!
That's a step in the right direction.
And the amazing thing is, I owe it all to Beethoven.
This is an obstacle course.
When I'm finished with your dogs, they'll be able to negotiate this course...
...automatically!
It may seem difficult at first, but don't give up.
You are the master.
Your dog must obey.
Over!
This is one of the commands that you'll be learning.
Our friend here just doesn't know it yet.
Not too smart, are you, pal?
Okay, pal, I guess we're going to do this the hard way.
SARA: Go! Go on, Beethoven! RUTLEDGE: Students, one last thing:
Never let go of the leash.
Over!
Now, what we have--
[Screams]
Wait, wait, wait!
[New Dog Old Tricks by Kip Lennon plays]
Wait!
Stop! Stay, stay!
Heel! Roll over! Fetch!
[Triumphant chuckle]
[Groans loudly]
[In high-pitched voice] This means war.
[High-pitched angry muttering]
Reg, can you just put that thing away for once?
Just e-mailing ahead to make sure the pro's ready.
Maddy, Simmons has taken Michelangelo to the groomer's.
But your feng shui instructor will be here soon.
But, Mom, Dad said he would roller-blade with me today.
Honey, she's right.
[Beeping]
What the heck is that?
Thanks, honey.
-Reg, what are you doing? -I was going roller-blading with Maddy.
We're playing tennis.
Madison has a very full schedule, just like we do.
Sweetheart, don't forget.
Your Taiwanese slap-fighting instructor will be here at 4:00. 'Bye!
[Melancholic instrumental music]
SARA: He was pretty nice about it, actually.
BRENNAN: Yeah. He just didn't want to give me my money.
You know what? No math grade is worth this humiliation.
I quit. You're on your own.
Hi. Am I too late for class?
You just....
[Brennan stammers]
SARA: You just missed it. GIRL: Darn.
Well, is it every week?
Yeah. You can sign up over there.
GIRL: Okay, great. Thanks.
I guess I'll see you next weekend.
Great dog.
SARA: 'Bye. GIRL: 'Bye.
Too bad you won't be there.
What are you talking about? I love dog training school.
We've got to practice a lot next week.
So Beethoven doesn't do anything stupid.
SARA: Speaking of stupid, you should practice talking.
BRENNAN: Shut up. SARA: You shut up.
BRENNAN: No, you shut up.
SIMMONS: Here we are, Michelangelo.
Time for your lovely bath. Good boy. Out you come.
Time for your beauty treatment.
Guillermo. Thank you so much for meeting me halfway.
I had a million things to do and no time to do them.
Is no problem, Simmons.
I do anything for you, my burly little muscle dog.
You're so brave and big and strong.
You know what you should do? You--
Just the premium wash and wax. No air freshener.
Is perfume, not "air freshener."
I'm sorry. I get defensive. It's my own formula.
I call it CK9.
Get it? "K9"?
I get it for you. You smell yourself. Hold a minute.
[Gasps]
Don't make a sound.
-Give me the leash. -My word. Is this a robbery?
Yeah, that's right.
Come on, pooch.
GUILLERMO: Okay, I have two-- Mon Dieu!
Simmons, what has happened to you?
That rotten scoundrel, he's stolen Michelangelo.
GUILLERMO: Michelangelo!
GUILLERMO: Run! ROBBER: No, come back! No! Come back!
Come back, you stupid, come here!
I'll bet you this is part of the problem. His collar's too tight.
BRENNAN: No, really?
MAN: Mustard and onions with relish, mustard and onions....
BRENNAN: Beethoven! SARA: Come back, Beethoven!
Stop, dog, stop!
BRENNAN: Beethoven!
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Get back here.
My goodness!
SARA: Come back! Come back!
BRENNAN: Beethoven!
Where'd he go?
SARA: Wait!
SIMMONS: What's this?
You idiot.
SARA: Come back! Come back!
BRENNAN: Beethoven!
[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]
[People screaming]
Michelangelo!
SIMMONS: Michelangelo, stop!
Michelangelo!
Stop that!
Give up those links, boy.
Your cholesterol will go through the roof.
What has got into you? You're being a very naughty boy.
Come along.
Michelangelo, when I get you home, you are grounded.
SARA: Beethoven! BRENNAN: He's got to be here somewhere.
SARA: Beethoven, where are you?
[Fairground-style instrumental music]
Beethoven!
BRENNAN: Come on, boy.
Beethoven, don't you ever do that again.
[Simmons groans]
SIMMONS: Michelangelo, that was a stinker.
Egads.
Michelangelo!
Smelly!
I told you not to eat those hot dogs.
Now you smell like beef byproducts.
Appetizer, sir?
Vittles?
Come along. Come along.
Hello? Michelangelo. Michelangelo!
Are you daydreaming? Come along.
Goodness me.
What's gotten into you? You're not yourself at all.
Come along.
You can just sit there and use this 15 minutes time-out...
...to think about how utterly reprehensible...
...your behavior was today.
I'm going to go upstairs, change my trousers...
...get this doggy grease off me.
Beefy breath!
And I'm canceling your massage.
No! Not on the floor!
[Screaming]
Come on, Beethoven.
-Did you see what he just did? -No.
SARA: Looks great, Dad. RICHARD: Thank you, sweetheart.
No, you don't.
BRENNAN: He just picked up my napkin. SARA: I told you he was smart.
He folded your napkin.
That's beyond smart.
BRENNAN: It's weird.
BETH: You know what's really weird?
I don't think he's drooling anymore.
That's weird.
[Electronic beeping]
Is it Thanksgiving?
MARTHA: Of course not, Maddy. Why?
Because we're all eating together.
Maddy, that's a good one.
But, you know, I think inappropriate.
Say you're sorry, honey.
Sorry, Mom.
MARTHA: I thought it would be nice for us to have a typical Sedgefood family meal.
Reg, did I tell you that fur company we picketed closed?
REG: I know. We owned it.
MARTHA: How could we? It's against everything we believe in.
We just acquired it a few years ago.
I could have had free furs all this time, and you never told me?
-Martha, you're against fur. -Yeah, now, but I didn't used to be!
SIMMONS: De-fatted, unsalted, cholesterol-free...
...organic porcine pot roast.
Was it free-range?
It was a pig, ma'am.
I'm not sure how far they'd go if they were given free range.
Maybe the semolina, faux meat patty, Simmons.
SIMMONS: As you wish, ma'am.
Sorry.
Michelangelo, would you be so kind as to get that napkin?
Michelangelo. Michelangelo, no.
Get back! Get back!
[Screams]
Simmons!
That wasn't the bell, was it?
My God. That's going to leave a mark.
Okay.
One foot in front of the other. There we go. Steady up.
Don't stand there, for heaven's sake!
Get the pot roast away from him! He'll break out in hives!
[Melancholic instrumental music]
[Moaning]
Michelangelo...
...I was having a bad dream.
Did I wake you?
Want to come sleep with me?
Come on.
Okay!
Let's see who's done their homework.
How about my obstacle course buddy?
Drop the leash, son.
I don't think that's such a good idea, sir.
Last week, due to...
...circumstances beyond my control...
...I was unable to tell you all the commands...
...you will be learning in this class.
Commands such as...
...sit.
Down.
Come.
And of course...
...heel.
Therefore, in order to test your dog's skills...
...my wife, Florence Rutledge, has lovingly designed...
...the obstacle course...
...which represents real-life situations...
...you and your canine might actually encounter...
...in real life.
The tunnel...
...one of the more difficult trials in which only one in 100...
...untrained dogs can successfully negotiate.
The A-frame, perhaps...
...a dangerous sand dune at the beach.
On a busy summer day.
Kids screaming everywhere.
Can you trust your canine not to bolt into the crowd...
...and make off with a 3-year-old kid for lunch?
The double-jump, perhaps...
...your neighbor's hedge.
Over which your dog might have to hurtle to save you from a...
...black cat.
It's happened before. The teeter.
A lot like, well, I'm not sure about that one.
Florence likes teeters, so she put it in.
And of course, the suspended foam donut.
Impossible for amateurs to negotiate without proper training.
Don't even try it.
Yes, people, it's not going to happen overnight.
But with a lot of hard work and patience...
...even a dog who's two bones short of a stew...
...will learn to obey.
And...
...before this class is over...
...big guy...
...you will be trained so well...
...that you will execute each and every obstacle...
...as if it were a walk in the park.
I promise you that.
Dismissed!
ANNOUNCER: Your attention please to the podium. Thank you.
MARTHA: Ladies...
...you were invited here today...
...because you've been at the forefront in your concern for the environment...
...and your willingness to embrace new methods of conservation.
The idea of drinking toilet water is a new one to be sure.
But it's the wave of the future!
Come on, ladies, don't be shy.
Bottoms up, so to speak.
MADISON: Stop!
Stop!
Michelangelo, what are you doing?
Stop it, heel!
What are you doing?
[Screaming]
MADISON: Heel!
Michelangelo, stop!
Oh, no.
No!
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Come here, madam, you're all wet!
Michelangelo, stay! Heel!
Crikey!
My God!
He's having an anxiety attack!
Come here, got you.
That went well, didn't it? ldiot.
[Barks]
Shut up, haven't you done enough? Come on.
MARTHA: You have no idea how traumatic it was, Doctor.
The deeply buried feelings that dredged up--
[Gasps]
I just had a flash.
Do you think I had issues with potty training when I was a child?
Mrs. Sedgwick, would you please sit up?
This is Michelangelo's appointment.
Of course.
I see there's a lot of hostility today.
MARTHA: That's just it, Doctor. All that hostility, all that acting out.
It's all so sudden. Where is it coming from?
-Do you want to know what I think? -Of course.
I think Michelangelo is reacting to a lack of affection.
Well, that's ridiculous.
I'm fairly sure my daughter gives him affection.
-You're "fairly sure"? -Well, I've seen them together.
Do you give Michelangelo affection? Physical affection.
-I try to give him his space. -What about your daughter?
-Well, I told you, I'm fairly sure-- -No, no.
I mean, do you give your daughter affection?
Dr. Brothers, as you pointed out, this is Michelangelo's appointment.
DR. BROTHERS: Mrs. Sedgwick, I think the problem is deeper than Michelangelo.
He's merely the first one to exhibit symptoms.
-What are you writing now? -Notes for my new book.
When you people fell out of the stupid tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
SARA: Heel.
Good boy.
Sit.
Brennan, look! Can you believe this?
I don't know what it is. My dog just can't seem to learn anything.
I wish he was more like Beethoven.
Well, it didn't just happen overnight.
You just, you know, gotta keep at it...
...and eventually it'll all come together.
You just gotta...
...be patient, mostly, and a lot of hard work and stuff.
Thanks.
-Well, I gotta go. -I gotta go, too.
-Okay, 'bye. -'Bye.
-I guess I'll see you later, then.
BRENNAN: It's just incredible, that's all. Top student in the class.
A beautiful girl likes me.
-It doesn't work that way in high school. -Are you worried about Beethoven?
Real worried...
...he'll turn me into such a babe magnet, I won't have time to eat or sleep.
Brennan, I mean it.
Beethoven's not the same dog he used to be.
What are you talking about? I mean, all our problems are over.
Beethoven's finally learning how to obey.
Mom's cooled off about sending him off to some farm.
My math grades have never been better.
-Brennan, I mean it. -I think he's totally fine, okay?
Come on.
[Loud barking]
No.
Phoebe again.
Don't worry about it. Go on, do your stuff, boy.
BRENNAN: Beethoven! Where are you going?
Run!
SARA: Beethoven! BRENNAN: Run, Sara, run!
SARA: Beethoven! BRENNAN: Get back here, you weenie!
[Slow instrumental music]
Beethoven, I know I haven't always been your biggest fan...
...but I can see you're working hard to fit in.
Honey, do you think he's okay?
BETH: Are you kidding? If anybody's okay, it's Beethoven.
He's not making a mess or chasing the mailman.
He's not even drooling.
Sure, 'cause all he does is lie around all day.
Well, then I guess he's just civilized.
No! No, see, that's no good. I need him to do something.
-Like what? -I don't know.
Anything. I need his inspiration.
Come on, boy. Pee on the rug.
Just like old times. Pee on the rug.
I'm counting on him to give me ideas for this new pet card thing.
I'm dying out there, honey. Come on, boy. Come on!
Come on, boy, jump on the couch. Rip up a pillow!
Martha, I don't see what the problem is.
He seems perfectly all right.
-He attacked your personal trainer. -That's fine with me.
The man was making me do leg lifts.
I'm sorry. I just don't see how this concerns us.
I mean, can't the staff handle this?
This isn't about the staff. It's about the family.
REG: I think Madison should be here. MARTHA: You're absolutely right.
-Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. -Come in, honey.
I would think you'd want to protect your investment.
Michelangelo doesn't show anymore, but we could make money putting him out to...
...S-T-U-D.
Besides, if you recall, we originally bought him as a family pet.
All right.
What did Dr. Brothers think that we should do?
We have to bring out Michelangelo's inner puppy.
-Good night, nurse. -Reg!
All right, fine. How?
Cavort.
-Excuse me? -Run.
Play. Throw old tennis balls.
The things real people do with their real pets.
Sounds like fun, doesn't it, boy?
-I don't know how to cavort. -Well, I don't either. It's pathetic, isn't it?
He wants to teach you how to play. Here, Dad. Catch.
[Reg groans]
BRENNAN: 'Bye, Dad. RICHARD: Ham, cheese, pickle on the side.
'Bye, Dad.
Mustard only, lettuce and avocado, sliced apple, three cookies, Jell-O...
...string cheese, spoon, napkin and a blue ice block.
You got it.
[Sighs]
-I guess I'll go to work. -Okay.
-All right. -See ya.
'Bye, Beethoven.
I knew it.
She'd never admit it in a million years...
...but she misses the slobbering old Beethoven, too.
Well, guess what, buddy. He's coming back.
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Just like Mama used to make!
[Richard making barking sounds]
Mr. Newton?
Are you okay?
Sorry I brought the Book Club!
RICHARD: Come on. Come on.
[Light-hearted instrumental music]
A fragrant bouquet.
It's subtle, yet brazen.
Richard, what are you doing?
Nothing. Why?
[Light-hearted instrumental music]
One, two, three. Hit the deck!
No, you don't! Come back!
MADISON: Wow, Mom. I didn't know you knew how to cook bacon.
Well, I'm sad to say there's a lot about me you don't know.
Anyway...
MARTHA: ...it's not real bacon. REG: Really?
'Cause...
...boy, it sure tastes like the real stuff.
I thought the three of us...
...could take Michelangelo and try out the trail by the reservoir.
-Cool. Okay. -That would be cool.
Okay. I'll have Simmons bring the car around.
I am here, sir.
Nice job, Simmons.
-Simmons, bring the car around. -It would make my day, sir.
Nigel, it's me.
Me, you idiot.
Listen to me.
They're going hiking with the dog at the reservoir.
No, not biking. Hiking.
Yes. The dog. Meet me at the reservoir.
Yes, right now, idiot.
[Lapping sounds]
I didn't want to dirty any glasses.
-'Bye, Mom. 'Bye, Dad. -'Bye, Mom. 'Bye, Dad.
Guys, wait. Honey, sit down here.
Beethoven and I have something to show you.
-Say good-bye. -What?
Go on. Tell Beethoven good-bye.
Good-bye.
[Beth groans in disgust]
BETH: I thought he was over that! RICHARD: Me, too.
Slobber, drool everywhere. Isn't it great?
Ask me again when I dry off.
We were so close!
So close? What do you mean?
Well, we didn't want to tell you till it was over, but....
We've been taking Beethoven to obedience school.
RICHARD: What? BRENNAN: Yeah.
Well, that explains a few things.
But why? Why would you--
Because we wanted to keep him.
And we figured if he was acting better, then maybe we could.
[Slow instrumental music]
Well, you did a good job.
Almost too good.
So, can we keep him?
Okay, he can stay.
-Yes! -All right!
Thanks, Mom! Guess what.
-Beethoven's valedictorian of his class. -No kidding?
Hey, where'd he go?
RICHARD: He's drinking from the toilet!
He's downing the whole bowl!
Keep drinking, boy. I'm gonna get my sketch pad.
-Go get Beethoven out of the bathroom. -Right.
[Toilet flushing]
That's weird.
REG: All right. Come on. There.
Look at him mark the trail, Martha? Those were the days.
You know, when I was a kid, my dad took us out west in a land yacht.
-What's that? -A motor home.
MADISON: That sounds like fun. REG: It was great fun.
How about you, boy?
You've never been on vacation in a motor home, have you?
[Screams]
REG: I don't know if you saw the signs back there, but it clearly said--
NIGEL: Get in the car! Get in the car! Put on your seat belt!
Let's go! Go!
Daddy!
NIGEL: That's horrible! Stop it!
He's got Michelangelo!
FBI AGENT 1: Yes, it is part of the FBI internship program.
Two buttermilk, two chocolate with rainbow sprinkles...
...four jelly-filled, and go to Krispy Kreme.
We get a discount there. Put the box in my car.
Yeah, with two coffees. No sugar.
The car is registered to someone named Nigel Bigelow.
Nigel. The car is registered to Nigel Bigelow.
It's Nigel Bigelow.
FBI AGENT 2: Right. Whatever.
Didn't even bother to remove the plates from the vehicle.
That's pretty sloppy.
Now, the local cops have his apartment staked out.
He knows that we made him, since he abandoned his vehicle.
So chances are that he returns there are pretty slim.
All we can do is sit and wait.
I hate to mention this under the circumstances, sir, but...
...I do have that doctor's appointment.
Absolutely, Simmons.
You've done enough for one day.
I mean, if that's all right with you guys.
Yeah, sure, sure. It's best to keep to a normal routine.
We don't think that Bigelow has an accomplice but...
...he could be watching the house.
SIMMONS: Very good, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Here you are, Miss Madison.
Well, cheerio.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
NIGEL: Back! Back, dog! Back! Nice dog!
Back in your room. Back in your room.
Don't.... Get....
Get back in the room!
Well, Nigel...
...I see you have command of the situation, as usual.
NIGEL: You lied. You said he weren't a killer.
He's not a killer. You are an oaf.
-Whatever. Just get rid of him. -Come on, Michelangelo.
NIGEL: And make sure you lock the door! What are you doing with the chicken?
Have I told you how much I...
...loathe giving you your kibble morning, noon and night?
No? Well, let me show you.
Lunch is served, sir.
That wasn't too difficult, was it?
You can come down now, Nigel. The killer doggie is safely put away.
Yeah, well, that's okay for you...
...but the bathroom's in there, eventually I'll have to use it.
Now listen to me.
If we can get through this without you leaping on the furniture...
...every time the dog decides to behave like a dog...
...then you can go to the bathroom on the afternoon flight to Rio de Janeiro.
Why?
Right. Because we're going to Brazil this afternoon.
I remember. I packed my maracas. I can use--
Shut up and read this. It's your lines.
Glasses.
Come on.
[Flatulence sounds]
-It wasn't me. It was the whoopie. -Phone.
[Clock ticking]
[Phone rings, all gasp]
Hello?
Speak clearly.
-Ransom note. -The puppy, you twit!
NIGEL: I have your dog.
Put 250,000 in a plain paper bag...
...behind the statue in Civic Center Park. No police.
You have till 4:00 "pumm" today.
PM, you twit!
NIGEL: 4:00 p.m., you twit.
250,000 what?
-250,000 dollars. -Dollars?
NIGEL: Dollars. REG: By 4:00?
NIGEL: And make it all in unmarked twenty-dollar bills.
REG: I don't know if I can do that.
NIGEL: If you ever want to see that mutt again...
...you'll do exactly what I say.
No police. No mistakes.
REG: You put him on the phone. I want to talk to him.
[Panting]
NIGEL: He's okay. REG: All right. Just don't hurt him.
[Flatulence sounds]
-Did you just-- -No. No, I didn't.
It was the dog. 4:00 p.m.
You idiot.
-Where are you going? -I'm going to the bank.
I told him, didn't I?
Yes. You were superb.
Now, I have to leave. Listen to me.
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, I think.
Don't let him out.
Who?
The dog!
I got it. The dog. I got it. Don't worry.
Don't worry. He's not going anywhere.
-Look at him. He's so handsome. -Yeah.
Now I know why Brennan was so gung ho about this.
She's cute.
I wonder if she's the one doing his math homework.
How 'bout this? "Dear master:
"It's our anniversary. I see you've raised your cup.
"So I drink a toast to us and will never leave the seat up."
[Military-style instrumental music]
Be careful, honey.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Is he gonna be all right? He's gonna be all right, isn't he?
Tell me he's going to be all right.
[The Land of Hope and Glory plays]
-Congratulations. -All right. Thank you.
RUTLEDGE: Take a bite of this one. There you go.
There he is! That's the thief!
-Who? -Stay here.
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
MARTHA: Reg! Wait! We're right behind you!
FBI AGENT 2: There he goes.
NIGEL: Push.
[Nigel gasps and pants loudly]
FBI AGENT 1: You gotta quit smoking, pal.
It's empty! There's no money!
This ain't right. Johnny said we was in this together.
Why'd he rat me out?
Johnny?
Jonathan Simmons?
Michelangelo. What are you doing here?
Good boy. Stay.
Stay there. It's all right. Yes.
Good boy. Stay.
Stay.
Good boy.
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
REG: No. MARTHA: Well?
I put it right here. It's gone!
This class's valedictorian is one in a million.
A champion among canines.
Noblest of a noble breed. Beethoven, front and center.
CROWD: All right, Beethoven! All right!
All right.
He reminds me of a dog I knew during the war.
A stalwart pup.
Brave, loyal, true.
And so, without any further ado...
How much more ado can there possibly be?
...it is my pleasure to introduce this class's valedictorian...
...and an outstanding trouper, Beethoven!
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
RUTLEDGE: Get organized.
Stop that!
Watch out! Sit! Down!
For gosh sakes, people, you're acting like animals!
Cease and desist! Look out!
At ease!
You little flea bag!
SIMMONS: Look out! Help!
[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]
[Echoing] Michelangelo!
Where are you, Michelangelo?
Where are you?
[Slow instrumental music]
MADISON: Michelangelo!
BRENNAN: Beethoven!
Where are you going?
Sara, bring me the leash.
SIMMONS: Get your nose out of there!
Dogs, you--
Easy.
SARA: Don't ever run away like that. BRENNAN: That was weird.
FBI AGENT 2: FBI, Simmons. Hold it right there.
SIMMONS: You got him? Well, excellent work, Detectives.
You mean, excellent work, brother.
Right, brother? Ratted you back.
You always were a selfish, smelly little man.
And I thought we were in this together.
Well, you thought wrong.
Why did you do it?
Do you remember SedgePro 97?
Are you kidding me?
It's the only piece of software I ever created.
-That lost millions for our investors. -Of which I was one.
Sorry.
Madison, I'm sure the agents will find him.
You don't even really care.
He's just some investment to you.
I heard you tell Daddy.
Michelangelo loves me more than anybody else in the world.
Maybe even more than you.
Madison, that's not true.
[Slow instrumental music]
It's just that we've forgotten how to show it.
Michelangelo?
Michelangelo!
May I have the leash for him?
"What is it about this dog," you may ask, "that merits this honor?"
I can sum it up in one word. A: discipline.
Two: obedience.
And D:
Overlooking any temptations that may pass right in front of his nose.
-Sgt. Rutledge-- -At ease, son. I'm on a roll.
-But I got-- -Just--
RUTLEDGE: Just remember.
Until your dog is properly trained, never...
...let go of the leash.
[Rutledge screams]
Beethoven!
His old self again. What a card this'll make.
That's our dog!
Beethoven!
No.
[New Dog Old Tricks by Kip Lennon plays]